Principles of Good Parenting
As a school counsellor, I’m often approached for parenting advice. I frequently recommend books from leading Australian experts like Andrew Fuller, Steve and Shaaron Biddulph, and Maggie Dent. There are also some excellent free online resources available here.
I’ve always admired the work of the American researcher and professor, Laurence Steinberg, and particularly his book The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting. So what does Steinberg have to say? Here is my brief summary of his 10 principles (with apologies to Professor Steinberg if I’ve oversimplified).
- What you do matters
How you behave towards – and respond to – your child REALLY matters. Your child is observing you, and learning how to think and behave. So try to respond to your child with a deliberate and thoughtful sense of what you want your interaction to accomplish. Ask yourself: “What effect will this decision/action/remark have on my child?”
- You cannot be too loving
You cannot love a child too much. Be generous with expressions of warmth and affection. Children cannot be “spoiled” by too much “love”, only by too many things in place of love, be they leniency, lowered expectations, or material gifts.
- Be involved in your child’s life
Be there for your child mentally as well as physically. This might require you to re-prioritise and re-arrange some aspects of your life to meet your child’s needs. Attend your child’s sports game or music performance and tell your child what you liked about it. Note: this does NOT mean taking over the child’s duties, such as homework or chores.
- Adapt your parenting to fit your child
Healthy children move through many developmental stages, so your parenting needs to change over time. It is easy to come down hard on children, enforcing parent-generated rules inflexibly and without regard for developmental milestones, but a second look at what may be motivating behaviour is important. Children should always be developing towards being more autonomous. This will necessarily mean negotiating, arguing, and challenging their parents at times.
- Establish and set rules
Over time, children learn self-discipline from appropriate external discipline (the boundaries you set and the rules you require them to follow). Your rules and boundaries should always result in you being able to answer three questions: (1) “Where is my child?” (2) “Who is with my child?” (3) “What is my child doing?” Note: This is not an excuse for micro-managing, which may achieve the opposite effect.
- Foster your child’s independence
Successful adult life requires a sense of self-direction and independence, so encourage these to develop progressively in your child. Don’t fall for a common parenting mistake: assuming that a strong drive for independence is rebelliousness or disobedience. Also, don’t rob your child of essential developmental opportunities – for example, most children old enough to attend Braemar are old enough to prepare school lunches and do their own laundry.
- Be consistent
Consistency is the parent’s most important disciplinary tool. Inconsistency is confusing for children. Clearly identify the differences between negotiable guidelines (“bedtime is at 9:30, but on some special occasions it’s OK to stay up late”) and non-negotiable rules (“you must never steal”). Remember: the more your authority is based on wisdom, not power, the less children will challenge it.
- Avoid harsh discipline
Children who are spanked, hit, smacked or slapped are more prone to fighting with other children. They are more likely to be bullies and more likely to use aggression to solve disputes with others, resulting in problems maintaining healthy relationships with peers.
- Explain your rules and decisions
Good parents have expectations for their child to live up to, and good reasons for those expectations… but the reasons may not be obvious to the child. Parents generally tend to over-explain to young children and under-explain to adolescents, but it is still worth noting that explanations tend to generate cooperation. When children know why a parent wants something done, they are more likely to cooperate.
- Treat your child with respect
Children should be extended the same courtesies as anyone else. Speak politely, pay attention when your child is speaking to you, and treat him or her kindly. Try to please children when that is possible. Your relationship with your child is the template for your child’s relationships with others throughout the rest of their lives.
Pete Ekstedt
College Counsellor
Reference: This has been summarised/paraphrased from:
Steinberg, L. (2005). The 10 basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster. ISBN-10 0743251164 ISBN-13 9780743251167